Essay 2 of 12
Cutting Through Egoic Thought Patterns
“I found that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, and when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being.”
– Byron Katie
In all my reading, in all my searches, I have never seen anyone who gets so close to the principles underlying the ideal of perfect acceptance (and the peace that accompanies it) as Byron Katie. The manner in which she describes her embodiment of these principles is startling in its simplicity and impact. She is, I believe, possibly one of the most spiritually realized – and happy – beings whom I have ever been lucky enough to discover.
This chapter concentrates emphatically on her work – and that’s what she calls it -- The Work! Sometimes referred to by her as “inquiry,” it consists of asking a series of questions (explained in this chapter) that systematically exposes the specious nature of thought, revealing that we truly can accept – even love – what she calls “the way of it,” “the way things are,” or “The Great Way.”
The Work is simply four questions that, when applied to a specific problem, enable you to see what is troubling you in an entirely different light. As Ms. Katie says, “It’s not the problem that causes our suffering; it’s our thinking about the problem.” She points out that trying to let go of a painful thought never works; instead, once we have done The Work, the thought lets go of us. Then we can truly love what is, just as it is.
We will find that as we do The Work that wherever there is suffering, there is an underlying thought – an uninvestigated thought -- that drives or generates the suffering. It is these thoughts that hurt us, and it is with these thoughts that we must work. As discussed in the Introduction, awakening/enlightenment/happiness is not added to us at some point – it is already there as our natural state, requiring purification in order to become revealed. The Work is that purification process.
Loving What Is
For Ms. Katie, whatever exists is present for a divine reason – the Way of Things -- that we can love and believe in. She has found a means to trust and love whatever she experiences, and she is inviting us to accompany her in the process of seeing how that occurs.
One of Ms. Katie’s books is entitled Loving What Is. Let’s look at how we process “What Is” as described by a contemporary master, Adyashanti:
“There is a very simple secret to being happy. Just let go of ‘your demand’ on this moment. Any time you have a demand on the moment to give you something or remove anything, there is suffering. You’re arguing with ‘What Is’ – your demands keep you chained to the dream-state of the conditioned mind. The desire to control is ultimately our unwillingness to just be awake.”
– [Adyashanti, The Way of Liberation, p. 47]
What is “your demand on this moment”? It is a thought, conditioned by the “dream-state” of the mind. It is this “dream-state,” generating conditioned thoughts, that is undone by The Work. Ms. Katie calls these conditioned thoughts “uninvestigated” or “unquestioned” thoughts. Once they become “investigated” or “questioned” by The Work, they ultimately dissolve and we are then able to enjoy the freedom and clarity of What Is.
Why should we believe that “What Is” is in fact the way things should be?
I attended a presentation by Deepak Chopra who proposed an interesting view of the present moment. He stated, “Everything in the universe works flawlessly according to universal laws of physics. Any event that occurs is therefore the perfect result of the combined operation of these laws working together. This means that when you struggle against an event of any kind, you are struggling against the entire universe.” [Presentation given by Deepak Chopra at Lake Tahoe, 1993]
As Ms. Katie explains, this struggle comes from the failure to question our thoughts and leads directly to suffering. She often uses the term “story” to refer to the collection of thoughts that we generate from our experience, building the foundation of our contiguous interpretations and reactions. She refers to a “story” as “thoughts, or sequences of thoughts, that we convince ourselves are real.”
Thoughts have nothing to do with reality
She tells a humorous story about entering the ladies room and watching a woman leave a stall, singing with a beautiful tone. “What a lovely voice,” she thought. Then as she left, she noticed that the toilet seat was wet, and wondered “how could anyone be so rude?,” and more specifically, “why did she pee all over the seat?” Then it crossed her mind that maybe the woman was a transvestite, singing falsetto in the ladies’ room. She considered going after her (him) to lecture him as she cleaned the seat, and thought about all the things she would say to him. Then she flushed the toilet and water spouted up, spraying the seat. She just stood there for minutes laughing.
As our minds construct “reality,” we drift farther and farther from the experience itself, until we have created our own version of the truth that typically is less pleasant, more threatening, and increasingly stress-inducing compared to the truth. This story that we create with our thoughts bears little resemblance to reality, and continues to diverge farther and farther from the truth as long as we fail to investigate our thoughts. Yet we use this story anyway as a template that organizes how we construe our world.
As we fail to investigate our thoughts and believe this story, we inadvertently inflict pain on ourselves. Ms. Katie’s approach with The Work allows us to see directly that, in her words, “reality is kinder than our thoughts,” and provides the option of seeing reality instead. In this way, The Work then becomes the investigative process that cuts through the illusion-building at the core of suffering.
“I have never experienced a stressful feeling that wasn’t attached to an untrue thought,” she observes. The Work exposes the untrue thought and in doing so unravels the attached stress.
She further points out that we do not “control” or “suppress” thoughts. It doesn’t work like that. We do not “let go” of thoughts; rather, we meet them with understanding and then they let go of us.
Moreover, a thought can’t hurt us unless we believe it. The thoughts themselves are harmless, but once we become attached to them, then we are vulnerable to suffering. It’s the belief that the thought is true that harms us, not the thought itself. Thus it is the investigation of its truth or falsity – inquiring-- that provides the freedom we seek.
At this point we should clarify that when we speak of thoughts and judgments, we are referring to those which drive negative or uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Obviously, we cannot examine or expose our thoughts altogether, but we can deal with those thoughts which are clearly ego-driven, generate tension, and are therefore responsible for our suffering.
The Byron Katie “Outreach”
Ms. Katie is unique in the field of “happiness teachers” in that she has created a website called www.thework.com. that invites her followers to sign up for online weekly meetings in which The Work is carried out in real time with real people. (We will be examining the specific process comprising The Work later in this chapter).
Through repeated participations in this process, I have been able to record many of Ms. Katie’s comments and explanations while online, describing the applications of the The Work among the participants in these meetings as a means to illuminate the rather colorful ways that she establishes a meaningful foundation for it.
- For example, she explains how “the story” plays a role in our lives:
“We do only three things in life. We sit, we stand, and we lie horizontal. That’s about it. Everything else is a story.”
- Our interpretation of what happens is what generates suffering, not the events themselves:
“Life is not difficult; it’s your thinking that makes it difficult…The only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality.”
- There are no problems in life outside of our thinking:
“You are the cause of your own suffering. There is no suffering in the world; there’s only an uninvestigated story that leads you to believe it.”
- She characterizes The Work as a means to dissolve the stories that generate suffering:
“It takes a lot of courage to go inside yourself and find genuine answers to the four questions of The Work. When you do, you lose all your stories about the world – you lose the whole world as you understood it to be.”
- We know when to “inquire” – begin The Work – when things start to feel out of balance and pressure starts to build:
“You can’t change the projected world, but you can change the mind, the projector. Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Stress allows you to know when to inquire.”
- Inquiry – doing The Work – brings about an internal peace that puts an end to stress and confusion:
“Inquiry is about realizing that all the answers we ever need are always available inside of us.”
- We need to let go and give up trying to control situations! Why? It doesn’t work, and the thoughts and stories that are an inevitable part of the ego’s attempts to exercise control are illusory:
“For people who are tired of the pain, nothing could be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the illusion of control. Let life live you. It does anyway. You’re just telling the story about how it doesn’t, and that’s a story that can never be true.” [Emphasis added]
- Once The Work puts us in touch with reality we realize we are safe:
“The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen. People who can’t see this are simply believing their own thoughts, and have to stay stuck in the illusion of a limited world, lost in the war with what is. It’s a war they’ll always lose, because it argues with reality, and reality is always benevolent.” [Emphasis added]
- “What is” is the best possible outcome!
"What actually happens is the best thing that can happen, whether you understand it or not. And until you understand it there is no peace.”
- The Work neutralizes pain:
“After inquiry, the experience of pain changes. The joy that was always underneath the surface of pain is primary now, and the pain is underneath it. People who do the Work stop fearing pain. They relax into it. They watch it come and go, and they see that it always comes and goes at the perfect moment.”
How to do The Work:
By now the reader must be wondering how The Work is undertaken, so let’s look at the process. The reader is urged to consider, however, that it must actually be worked on in writing to fully accrue the benefits that it creates. Ms. Katie calls this “Putting the Mind on Paper.” One cannot expect results by simply thinking about it.
The process begins by filling out a “Judge-Your-Neighbor” worksheet, in which you answer specific questions pertaining to someone who you dislike, who you worry about, who angers or frightens you, and so on. The answers to these questions become the start of the raw material that is incorporated into The Work. You are asked to be candid, raw and even petty for maximum effectiveness. (The same process works for [imagined] situations rather than other people; substantive variations showing how this process can be implemented in more detail are described in the original sources, i.e., the Byron Katie books in Suggested Readings below. In addition, her website www.thework.com provides a complete breakdown of the procedures involved).
We use the following questions, or fill out the worksheet downloaded from the Resources tab at www.thework.com. An exemplar character, Paul, is being used here as the subject of the investigation. The first step, then, is to answer the questions in the “Judge-Your-Neighbor” worksheet as shown below:
1. Who angers, confuses, saddens or disappoints you and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?
Paul doesn’t listen to me. Paul doesn’t respect me.
2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Paul to give me his full attention. I want Paul to love me.
3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
Paul should not ignore me. He should tell me that he loves me.
4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do for you to be happy?
I need Paul to listen to me. I need Paul to stop lying to me.
5. What do you think of them? Make a list. Remember, be petty and judgmental.
Paul is dishonest, uncaring and unavailable. He serves as a bad example for my children. He needs to stop lying.
6. What is it that you don’t want to experience in that person again?
I don’t ever want to live with Paul if he doesn’t change. I don’t ever want to argue or be lied to by Paul again.
1. Who angers, confuses, saddens or disappoints you and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?
Paul doesn’t listen to me. Paul doesn’t respect me.
2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Paul to give me his full attention. I want Paul to love me.
3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
Paul should not ignore me. He should tell me that he loves me.
4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do for you to be happy?
I need Paul to listen to me. I need Paul to stop lying to me.
5. What do you think of them? Make a list. Remember, be petty and judgmental.
Paul is dishonest, uncaring and unavailable. He serves as a bad example for my children. He needs to stop lying.
6. What is it that you don’t want to experience in that person again?
I don’t ever want to live with Paul if he doesn’t change. I don’t ever want to argue or be lied to by Paul again.
Then we apply the four inquiries in The Work, pulling statements from the worksheet.
The Work
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How does it make you feel?
- Who would you be without that thought?
And, Turn it around, then find three genuine specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life (see below)(*).
Each of the four questions directly above is first applied to the initial statement from the worksheet (“Paul doesn’t listen to me”). Then go through the worksheet, applying the four questions and the turnaround to each statement.
It is impossible to describe the insights that occur in this process – it has to be put into practice and the revelations simply appear, one after another.
It is important to work with someone whom you have not totally forgiven (even if the person is still 1% unforgiven, you are not free until your forgiveness is complete. Often that 1% is the most important part!) Remember also that the finger here must always be pointed outward, at someone else. The path is, judge someone else, then inquire and turn it around (see * below).
Avoid the temptation to continue without writing down your judgments. If you try to do The Work in your head, without putting your thoughts on paper, the mind will outsmart you and sabotage the process. Be as harsh, petty, judgmental and even childish as you feel, addressing whatever has caused you pain somewhere, at some time.
(*) To do the turnaround, rewrite your statement from the worksheet. First, write it as if it were written about you. Where you have written someone’s name, put yourself. Instead of “he” or “she,” put “I.” For example, “Paul doesn’t listen to me” turns around to “I do not listen to Paul.” Another type is the 180-degree turnaround to the extreme opposite: “Paul does listen to me.” For each turnaround, find three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true in your life. This is not about blaming yourself or feeling guilty. It’s about discovering alternatives that can bring you peace.
The turnaround for answers to question number 6 in the worksheet is a bit different from the others. We change “I don’t ever want to…” to “I am willing to…” and “I look forward to…”. For example, “I don’t ever want to live with Paul if he doesn’t change” becomes “I am willing to live with Paul if he doesn’t change” and “I look forward to living with Paul if he doesn’t change.” While these statements may appear on their face to be nonsensical, finding the bits and pieces of truth that lay within them continue to deepen our perspective of the areas of our consciousness that we previously had been deflecting and denying. Our mind slowly opens to What Is.
One by one, put each statement on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet up against the four questions, then turn around the statement you’re working on and find three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true. Throughout this process, explore being open to possibilities beyond what you think you know. (The reader is urged to review the examples in Suggested Readings, explore the web site www.thework.com, and even attend some of the online meetings).
Continue the process of subjecting statements from the worksheet to the Work as long as you keep becoming aware of resistance. If you feel any resistance to a thought, your Work is not done.
Conclusions:
When you can honestly look forward to experiences that have been uncomfortable, there is no longer anything to fear in life; you see everything as a gift that can bring you self-realization. In her words,
“When you realize that suffering and discomfort are the call to inquiry, you may actually begin to look forward to uncomfortable feelings. You may even begin to experience them as friends coming to show you what you have not yet investigated thoroughly enough.”
- She summarizes it like this:
“The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness. The questioned mind is pure wisdom, and it can heal the whole world.”
Concerning the events at issue, we can know they support our well-being because they exist, not because of our beliefs or judgments. Ms. Katie’s rationales touch again and again on the very subtle, but very critical point that if something exists in God’s universe, then it is because it is supposed to exist (“The Way” of it). Over time we start to see that things happen, not to us but for us. This realization brings a profound sense of happiness.
The ultimate effects of carrying out The Work cannot be appreciated by reading and thinking about it. The Work – the inquiring – has to be carried out, piece by piece, over time, in writing, for the miracle to happen.
- As the mind is subjected to inquiry over and over, we reach the blissful stage of emptiness in which not-knowing is true knowledge:
“To think you know something is to believe a story of the past. It’s insane. Every time you think you know something, it hurts, because in reality there is nothing to know. You’re trying to hold on to something that doesn’t exist. There’s nothing to know, and there is no one who wants to know it.”
We will refer to this later in these chapters as the “I don’t know” mind – the foundation of awakening.
You’ve just let go of everything that you used to think was important. How could you not be happy now?
A Quicker Approach:
Dr. DiLullo (he happens to be a gastroenterologist!) has written an impressive and very useful analysis on thought in his book Awake: Now It’s Your Turn. He points out, like Ms. Katie, that the problems generated by thought do not originate from the thoughts themselves but rather our belief in them, which he calls “thought identification.” The key is not to stop generating thoughts; rather, it is to stop believing them.
He refers to thoughts as consisting of those which reflect direct sensory input (“There’s the house”) and those which reflect other thoughts. The vast majority of our thoughts are those which reflect other (“reflective”) thoughts, and it is with these thoughts that we need to “de-identify,” i.e., terminate our identification with (belief in) them.
It is from these reflective thoughts that suffering arises and is maintained. Naturally positive thoughts -- e.g. love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. – and the thoughts which reflect them -- do not fall under these categories. Rather, we are considering negative (egoic) thoughts, which entail the judgment and the accompanying stress. As we have discussed, it is judgment which fuels the entire ego-driven thought system that is at the root of suffering.
“When thoughts start reflecting each other, it can very quickly become a house of mirrors. What does this house of mirrors look like for a human being? In short, it looks like human suffering. It looks like the pervasive feelings of isolation and separation that plague humanity. It looks like constant seeking, distraction and repression of our inner truths, our authenticity. It is a lot like being in a prison in our own minds.”
– [DiLullo, Awake: It’s Your Turn, p. 267]
By this point there should be no doubt surrounding the corrosive nature of thought. The distinguishing characteristic of Dr. DiLullo’s approach to dealing with them is its convenience, efficiency and expedience. In its simplest form, his recommendation is to simply say to oneself, when a thought arises,
That’s a thought!
One cannot look at this simple declaration and come to any sort of reliable, logic-based interpretation of its actual effect. Like the Work, there is a transformational result that is not apparent on formal analysis of the process – something “just happens” when you do this and it cannot be appreciated in the absence of the actual experience of it.
From my own experience, once this declaration is made, there are now two realms of consciousness – the reflective thought (ego-driven) realm, and the “pure observer” (non-ego-driven) realm. The obvious choice for the motivated student is the latter, which, when we simply look at the thought, leads to a pure state of peace and equanimity. Our natural happiness then inexorably rises to the surface.
In short, this is the power of becoming a nonjudgmental observer. This is a critical practice that we will continue to consider in more detail later. For now, think of becoming a nonjudgmental observer as establishing a place of indestructible peace from which we base our view of the mind’s activity. We don’t go to war with thought – rather, simply looking at a thought without judgment causes it to dissolve, and standing firmly in a place of peace, our equanimity expands and the peace surrounds us.
When Thich Nhat Hanh says, “I smile at the fear,” he is doing the same thing – becoming a nonjudgmental observer of the ego. Standing in a place of peace, it is possible to simply look at the anxiety and in this process, the “peaceful territory” starts to expand, overtaking territory previously held by the fear. The peaceful space keeps enlarging until the fear dissipates entirely.
This practice will be revisited again because it represents the most powerful tool we have to dissolve the ego – namely, looking. Just looking. Without judgment. Remember this!
Dr. DiLullo writes about the practice of declaring That’s a Thought!,
“Of the many contemplations and inquiries offered in this book, this is one of the most potent, especially as a stand-alone practice. If you did nothing but apply this technique with sincerity and ruthless willingness to see the truth of your immediate experience, it could take you all the way to liberation. I know this because I have known people for whom this has been the case.”
– [DiLullo, Awake: It’s Your Turn, p. 273]
Dr. DiLullo suggests a practice to implement the “That’s a Thought!” practice, beginning with taking a moment to become aware of your surroundings; feeling the body from the feet to the hands, chest and head; listening to the breath, and the sounds around you; and generally becoming relaxed.
Next, tell yourself that for the next few moments, the only thing you are interested in is observing thoughts, and turn your attention to the source of thoughts in your mind, wherever they might come from. Peer into your mind and watch for the next thought to appear.
It can help simultaneously to notice the quiet space between the thoughts or in the waiting period before a thought begins. We will call this “the empty thought space.” As soon as the next thought starts to form or is fully formed, give it your attention. If it is an auditory or language thought, try to clarify what it is saying. If the next thought is some form of visual picture, try to clarify or sharpen that image for a moment so that it is clear and obvious what it is.
Now let the thought go with the declaration “That’s a thought!” and return back to watching the empty thought space. You can restart the process of returning back to watching the empty thought space as often as you wish. You can also add other steps to the process, including various approaches to journaling and/or taking notes during the exercise. The beauty of this approach (and thus the title, “A Quick Approach”) is that it can be done anytime, anywhere – you can return yourself to peace anytime!
In conclusion it should be pointed out that while Dr. DiLullo’s approach is quicker and simpler than Ms. Katie’s, it does not provide the depth of insight that Ms. Katie’s procedure does. Ms. Katie’s approach bends and twists the thought until one can see the various facets of self-deception that are involved in thinking. Dr. DiLullo’s approach is more like being a “thought sniper” and picking off the unwanted thoughts as they arise – it can be done driving, in the shower, etc. – and so is most suited to situations in which time is limited. However, this approach does entail the practice of sustaining the practice of nonjudgmental awareness, which, as we shall see, is the bedrock of peace itself.
- Take a moment to become aware of your surroundings. Listen to the noises. Feel the body sensations in the feet, hands and face. Feel the breath moving in and out.
- Tell yourself that for these few minutes, the only thing you are interested in is observing thoughts.
- Now turn your attention to the thought space, wherever that is.
- Peer into that thought space like you’re peering into a fishpond to get a glimpse of a beautiful fish. This is an analogy; you needn’t picture an actual pond.
- Stop actively thinking and watch for the next discernable thought.
- It can help simultaneously to notice the quietude between the thoughts or in the waiting period before a thought begins. Often a thought is noticed in contrast to that quietude.
- As soon as the thought starts to form or is fully formed, give it your attention. If it is an auditory or language thought, try to clarify what it is saying.
- If the thought is an image thought, try to clarify or sharpen that image for a moment so that it is clear and obvious what it is.
- Now let the thought go and immediately return to step number four.
Suggested Readings
- Adyashanti, The Way of Liberation, Open Gate Sangha, 2012
- DiLullo, Angelo, Awake – It’s Your Turn, Self-Published, 2021
- Katie, Byron, A Mind at Home with Itself, Harper One, 2017
- Katie, Byron, A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are, Three Rivers Press, 2007
- Katie, Byron, Loving What Is: Four Questions that Can Change Your Life, Harmony Books, 2002.
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